The hardest part about being a people pleaser is that in the beginning, it doesn’t appear that anything is wrong. You’re the person people can always depend on. If there’s a problem, you have a solution. You come through in the clutch. Every celebration, every relationship, every time someone needs a favor “real quick” you’re there, cape strapped on tight ready to save the day. That’s just who you are, and on the surface there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem comes in when you need someone to be there for you. In pleasing everyone else you’ve now set a precedence that “you got it.” No one (or most) even considers that you have needs as well whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, vent to or something as simple as a moment or three of solitude.
I remember the first time I cried in front of one of my family members. It was during the process of my divorce. Even though it was my decision to end the relationship there were adjustments I wasn’t prepared for in becoming a single person household. Things seemed to be falling apart and I began questioning myself – not on if I made the right decision, but how I was going to manage this new normal. It was overwhelming and I broke down. I mean one of those good, soul cries. I can’t remember the exact phrasing but the response was something like “It’ll be okay, you’ll get through it. I didn’t even know you could cry.” That was a pivotal moment for me because I cry all the time. I have a crap ton of emotions and feelings, but over the years I’d gotten so wrapped up in not wanting to bother people with my stuff because I knew what they were going through that I learned to save it for my private corner. It never occurred to those around me that things affected me the way they did or at all.
When you become a people pleaser you develop a facade of being able to handle it all and the longer you operate in this space the easier it becomes for people to not take your needs or feelings into account. Most of the time it’s unintentional, but the impact is the same – you’ve spent yourself saying yes to everyone else leaving nothing on the table for you.
How to Stop Pleasing Everyone But Yourself
Obviously we could go on for days with different scenarios and the impact of being a people pleaser. The most important step outside of knowing you’re a people pleaser is understanding how to change (or at best alter) the habit. How does the saying go? – The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?
At the end of the day you can’t expect people to respect boundaries you haven’t set for yourself. So how do you do that? Here are 7 tips to help you get started.
1. Recognize the Problem Exists – Self explanatory, but for the people in the back, the first step in fixing a problem is first admitting to yourself that it’s there.
2. Start with the Little Things – How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Don’t try to go full on with this. The shock of you turning things down or making more time for yourself will appear to others who are use to you saying yes to everything as you “acting funny” or “switching up.” In some cases it may even cause disagreements you’re not ready for. Baby steps my love.
3. Say No With Authority – This isn’t for the weak. Put a little base and some finality in your voice. Make no room for misunderstandings. Your reasons are your reasons and you don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
4. Be Considerate – I know it’s a slight oxymoron to the other points, but I don’t want you to mistake point 3 for being a complete jerk. The person may really need you in that moment and your job is to decipher whether or not putting aside your needs is more important. In the case that it is, be assertive with your no, but also considerate of their feelings.
5. Don’t Apologize – One of the biggest mistakes people pleasers make is apologizing for everything, even when they’re not at fault. This is another point where considerate assessment comes into play. Choose carefully when and where you hand out apologies.
6. Avoid Guilt and Manipulation – Remember people are use to getting their way with you and as you begin to assert yourself the response will come with guilt trips and maybe even manipulation. Listen carefully. If the need is based on one-sided benefits or filled with statements of how you’re so good at this or that, or even what you never do for them vs. what you do for others, chances are there’s some guilt or manipulation tactics in the mix.
7. Develop a Me First Attitude – This will require you to be selfish with your time and energy which is hard for people pleasers. The guilt of letting others down or having people be upset with you tends to eat at you. This in turn makes you say yes when you want to say no and you’re back on the hamster wheel. Of course there will be exceptions to this rule, but in general take care of you first, then worry about everyone else ( your children excluded).
I know, it’s a lot, especially if you’ve been people pleasing for years but you can do it. As I get closer to my Fab 40s I’m learning that I can’t be everything to everyone. To protect my energy sometimes sacrifices need to be made. I’ll miss out on things, I’ll disappoint people, it will appear I’m acting funny but hey, peace of mind is priceless. If you spend all of your time filling everyone else’s cup you’ll have nothing left over for yourself. We’re not doing that in 2019 and beyond.
Are you a recovering people pleaser? How did you adjust or change the habit? Chime in with your experiences in the comments!
